A Dialogue Between the Head and Heart

MY DEAR MADAM, ---Having performed the last sad office of handing you into your carriage...and seen the wheels get actually into motion, I turned on my heel and walked, more dead than alive, to the opposite door,  where my own was awaiting me.

This is the opening line from a letter written by Thomas Jefferson to Maria Cosway dated October 12, 1786.  (Mrs. Cosway, a famous Italian-English beauty and accomplished painter, captivated Jefferson during his stay in Paris.)

The letter is known as Jefferson's "Head and Heart Letter."

I find the letter fascinating.  Beautifully written.  Honest.  I also believe it gives insight into Jefferson's playfulness and reveals part of his charm.

More importantly, however, the letter illuminates the tug-of-war that exists in all of us.  Some of us are very emotional.  Others more logical.  Often I hear people say, "I'm a math/science person" or "I'm an art/English person."  The reality is that we are both.  That's because we are human beings.

What is best is not always what feels best.  What feels best is not always what is best.

Child rearing.  Teaching.  Guiding.  Coaching.  Working. Playing. Eating.  Drinking.  Romance.

You name it, we are constantly battling with ourselves.

Who wins out?  The head or the heart?

Sometimes the head.  Sometimes the heart.

The battle rages on...



Retrato de Mrs. Cosway (by Richard Cosway)

The Kindness of Strangers

A few years back I took a road trip with my friend Chris.

We drove from Fort Worth to Cape Cod.

By way of Jackson Hole, Wyoming.  And Spearfish, South Dakota. And Des Moines, Iowa.  And Chicago, Illinois.  And Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  And Syracuse, New York.  And South Hadley, Massachusetts.

Then we drove from Cape Cod back to Fort Worth.

By way of New York City.  And Charleston, West Virginia.  And Elizabethtown, Kentucky.  And Paducah.  And Fort Donelson.  And Tupelo.  And Vicksburg.  And Nachez.  And Shreveport.

Over 8000 miles.

Car time, big-time.

And one of the greatest experiences of my life.

Sure, I love to drive.  I loved the conversations with Chris.  I loved the fact that we tried to stay off the interstates and stick to state highways.  I loved the way we refused to eat at fast-food joints.  I loved the way we would walk into a restaurant and I'd order "the special" and Chris would order the waitress's "favorite," sight unseen. No menus for us.  (We ate a $3.00 all-you can eat catfish buffet in Tennessee.  $3.00.  Think about that.  You do get what you pay for.)  I loved the fried egg reuben sandwich across the street from Lehigh University and the antelope cheeseburger outside Billings.  I loved traveling along the Lewis and Clark Trail and I loved the width and swiftness of the Missouri River.  It reminded me once again that you don't have to go to Paris to find natural beauty.

I didn't love seeing the poverty near the Pine Ridge Reservation or the dying trees outside Mount Rushmore or the graffiti on the covered bridges of Madison County, Iowa.  But I guess you have to take the bad with the good.

What I loved most were the strangers we met along the way.  Real people.  People we sometimes call ordinary but who are actually extraordinary.

Ray was nice.  (His dog, River, lived with him in a house boat on the Cumberland River.)  Bob watched us from a camp chair and drank cheap beer while we changed a flat tire near McKenzie, Tennessee.  A different Chris was the barber at the Wal Mart nearby.  Tommy was our guide at the Little Bighorn Battlefield National Monument.  Yet another Chris told me I wasn't allowed to pump my own gas on the NJ Turnpike.  I thought that was odd, but he explained it to me in a really nice way.

The kindness of strangers.

Dinner table question of the week:

Someone left money sticking out of an ATM machine and there's nobody in sight.  Nobody but Ben, that is. If he takes it, does that make him a thief?  What should he do?

The Deets Epitaph

Pea Eye Parker: What's it read, Gus?

Gus McCrae: It says, "Josh Deets. Served with me 30 years. Fought In 21 engagements with the Comanche and the Kiowa. Cheerful in all weathers. Never shirked a task. Splendid behavior." That's what it says.

[This exchange takes place part way through Larry McMurtry's Pulitzer Prize-winning  novel Lonesome Dove.  I first read it in 1988 as a midshipman.  I was aboard the USS Brooke (FFG-1) out of San Diego.  I remember lounging in my bunk...captivated by the language and the vivid descriptions of the South Texas mesquite flats.  I was hooked.  I have read the book nine times since.]

When I was younger I often thought about what would be said of me at my own funeral.  (I believe that people think about these things more than they admit.)  I always  wanted to be remembered the way Gus remembered Deets.  Cheerful in all weathers.  Never shirked a task.  Splendid behavior.

But I won't be remembered that way.  Lonesome Dove is fiction.

I am real.

And my epitaph is yet to be written.

Like me, your epitaph (and the epitaphs of your children) haven't been determined.  We are still alive.  We are still creating.  We are still striving.  We are still making mistakes.  We are still inspiring others.  We are still evolving, day in and day out.

We are all works in progress.

I won't be remembered like Josh Deets.

But I will be remembered as Bill Arnold.

Dinner table question of the week:

How do you want to be remembered?



Josh Deets (played by Danny Glover in the 1989 miniseries Lonesome Dove)

Eating the Elephant

There is only one way to eat an elephant.

One bite at a time.

My mother used to tell me this when I was a kid and felt overwhelmed.  Homework trouble.  Sports trouble.  Girl trouble.  Whenever I felt down in the dumps, she always made me feel better by saying these words.  (She is a remarkably strong, resilient woman.  She has endured a lot in her life.  She's eaten a lot of elephants.)

Earlier this week a student sat down in my office and expressed her frustration about all she had to do.  "I feel so stressed.  Country Day asks too much of me."

I gave her  a bottle of water and we talked.

"What - specifically - is bothering you?" I asked.

"Three things," she remarked.  "First, one of my teachers posted the wrong page numbers on the homework portal.  Second,  I'm sick and tired of carrying around my heavy backpack.  Third, I never have time to get homework done at school and I'm forced to stay up all night.  I just don't get enough sleep."

"Wow," I said.  "It must be really tough."

"Yea," she said.

During our visit I encouraged her to talk directly with her teacher about the portal error.  (The teacher indeed had the wrong pages posted.  The teacher apologized.)  I then reminded her that there's plenty of time between classes to drop off her books - during announcements, at lunch, as well as an afternoon break.  I then suggested that she find a quiet carrel in the Moncrief Library to study. (We can get a lot done in 75 minutes!)  She listened, smiled, then said, "I'll give it a try.  Thanks."

Yesterday afternoon I checked on her and asked how things were going.

"Great!  I love this place."  She beamed.

We all feel overwhelmed sometimes.  The key is to identify the specific stressors, find someone who can help us formulate a strategy...then attack each one in succession.  One bite at a time.

Once we organize our busy lives, we feel better.  We see the world through clearer eyes, and it's a pretty great world.

There is only one way to eat an elephant.

One bite at a time.

Dinner table question of the week:

Your classmate asks to copy your homework because they did not finish theirs.   You know they were at the hospital late into the night with a sick friend.

Is it ethical to let someone copy your homework, even if they have had difficult personal circumstances?

September 11

Today is September 11, 2014. Thirteen years after a dreadful day that we all remember well.

Those of us who were at Country Day on September 11, 2011 remember the chaos, uncertainty, and sadness that affected us that day. The sky was, literally, falling. I remember Upper School Head John O'Reilly's remarks at our 9:45 am assembly. He said: "Don't lose faith! Remember that this morning 290 million Americans woke up and did the right thing. I ask you. Don't lose faith! This is not a perfect world, but this is a good world."

I have attached a Bulletin that was written by our Interim Headmaster Peter Briggs.  I found it among my things a few weeks ago and wanted to share it with you.  I believe Peter effectively captured the spirit of the day, inspired us to persevere, but also showed the resilient spirit of Country Day.  The Bulletin was distributed to all US and MS students and placed in LS backpacks.

I believe there is value in simply being reminded that despite chaos, tragedy, and hardship, we have a resilient community.

Briggs Sept 11 Bulletin

GoodReads, Pt. 2

Read any good books lately?

I am notorious for having two or three going on at any time.  Right now I have three underway - and look forward to finishing them.

I'm currently reading Joseph Ellis's Revolutionary Summer: The Birth of American Independence, Jennifer Pharr Davis's Becoming Odyssa: Adventures on the Appalachian Trail, and Remaking College: Innovation and the Liberal Arts, edited by Rebecca Chopp, Susan Frost, and Daniel H. Weiss.

When I finish them I'll let you know what I think.

Right now I'm loving them...

The "What If" Game

I have always enjoyed playing the "what if" game.

As a college student at VMI, I used to play with my fellow history majors.  What if Lincoln had worn a helmet to Ford's Theater on April 15, 1865?  What if Stonewall Jackson had survived his wounds at Chancellorsville?  What if the "Austrian corporal" had succumbed to his wounds during World War One?  What if a stray bullet had struck George Washington during the French and Indian War?  What if Rosa Parks had decided to walk instead of ride the bus?  What if Mohammed Atta had been detained by security at the Portland International Jetport in Maine on September 11, 2001?

I encourage you to play a slightly different version of the "what if" game with your own children.  I believe it is a very good way to prevent many problems before they arise.  Of course, every family has their own unique set of challenges and some questions may not be appropriate for all ages.

Play the game as you see fit.  But please play it.

Here are some ideas.

Start with the easy ones...What if you forget your English homework?...What if you get a traffic ticket and you're too emotional to drive safely?...What if you start to feel dizzy at field hockey practice?...What if your friends are throwing food in the Commons?...What if you find a stray animal that is injured?

Progress to the harder ones...What if you have a flat tire across town but your cell phone is not working?...What if you see your best friend cheat on a test?...What if you lose your computer and all your saved work?...What if you don't get a date for Homecoming?

Then deal with the really hard ones...What if your boyfriend (or girlfriend) says "I love you and think we should take it to the next level?"...What if your best friend has had too much to drink but insists on driving?...What if that same friend tells you they plan to run away from home?...What if someone you don't know hands you a drink at a party and encourages you to drink it?...What if you get a threatening text message?

Dinner table question of the week:

It's not a question but a challenge.  Please play the "what if" game with someone you love.  Sometimes simply thinking about these scenarios prevents problems.  If nothing else, it will encourage great conversations...

GCM*****

It's time to tell you about one of my heroes.

George Catlett Marshall.  

I am always surprised that more people don't know who he was.   I believe him to be the greatest "George" since George Washington.  I know that sounds odd.  But I honestly believe it to be the case.

Marshall was born in Uniontown, Pennsylvania near the old National Road.  His father taught him to hunt and fish and love history.  (The best history teachers are like that - they love a good story.)

Marshall graduated from VMI in 1901 as First Captain of the Corps of Cadets.  He was commissioned a second lieutenant in the infantry and spent the next forty-four years on active duty.  Forty-four years. That's a lot of bad food, a lot of hardship, and a lot of nights away from home and loved ones.

But that's not why he is one of my heroes.

I admire him because while he was one of the greatest warriors of all time, he was also one of the greatest peacemakers of the 20th century.  In fact, he is the only professional soldier to receive the Nobel Prize for Peace, which was bestowed on him in 1953.  The prize was given to him for his leadership of the  European Recovery Program, known as the Marshall Plan, which aimed at the economic recovery of Western Europe after World War II.

A few other notable facts:

He served as Chief of Staff of the United States Army from 1939-45. He was selected as Time Magazine "Man of the Year" twice - 1943 and 1947.  He served as Secretary of State from 1947-49 and as Secretary of Defense in 1950-51.  A full life, don't you think?

Marshall finally retired to his home, Dodona Manor, in beautiful Leesburg, Virginia.  It was there he spent his final days with his beloved Kathryn.  He died at Walter Reed Hospital in Washington, DC on October 16, 1959.  His grave can be seen in Section 7 of Arlington National Cemetery.  (I have visited it many times, most recently last May with the 10th graders.)

Harry Truman said, "In a war unparalleled in magnitude and horror, millions of Americans gave their country outstanding service; General of The Army George C. Marshall gave it victory."

A fitting tribute to a true American.

The greatest American since the Greatest American.